Seven years ago, the Tarlac State University Supreme Student Council or the TSU-SSC organized the Student Leaders’ Summit in Pampanga Agricultural College (PAC) in Magalang, Pampanga. It took us a lot of pleases and begging before Mama permitted me to attend the event. Even though I was still in high school then, as the Business Manager of the council, I needed to attend the said event. Eze, was also a part of the council, he was the treasurer.. and that was the reason why Mama hesitated to permit me. Haha

The 24th of November of 2001 is not just about the Summit but also about me and Eze.. That day, seven years ago, was the day when I finally became true to myself and accepted him to be my boyfriend.

Sadly, our anniversary this year is a bit different because I wasn’t even sure if it’s still worth celebrating. It was evident in this blog that these past few weeks were really shaky for the two of us. We have so many problems, particularly the distance, communication, my insecurities and ideals that make our situation worse. I don’t want to write here the detailed reasons behind our problems. The bottom line here is just that I thought this day would be the end of our relationship.

I know it was crazy (like all the other girls who are hoping to resolve their relationship problems) that while feeling hopeless and that this relationship is about to end, at the back of my mind, I’m still wishing that everything will be settled and we could still manage this long distance relationship until we’re together again.

I already had nothing to do at around 11 pm on the night of the 23rd. But still, I waited for the clock to hit 12 am. He greeted me at 12:30 am, the exact time when we became “us”. I was touched, yes; yet still hurt. I replied to his message, but not with an anniversary greeting. I know it wouldn’t be fair to myself if I greet him even though I know how deeply hurt I still am. I’m drowning with my issues..

Trackback: November 23, his mom texted me and asked me if we could meet the next day, go out and spend time together. Having difficulties saying no, I agreed to meet up with her. Morning came and I kept myself busy with all my work. Then 3 pm arrived and it’s time to meet up with Tita in the mall. When I arrived, they were already waiting because I came in late for I had to finish my work first before leaving home. Then she handed me a paper bag that contains two bouquets, one with two dozens and one with seven roses. (sorry for the resolution. I didn’t take the pictures immediately so they are no longer fresh in the pictures) Actually, I knew Eze would give me flowers. I just felt it. But at the moment Tita handed me the flowers, I dunno if I was happy he gave me lots of them or still, hurt.

We had a brief conversation because I didn’t want to share. I just want to keep things to myself. It’s not that I don’t trust her. I just think that would be another torture. After about an hour and a half, Tita and I parted and headed home.

I really can’t believe that I’ve become numb. Before, everything that he gives me means so much to me. But then, I felt nothing. I really love flowers and I appreciate them, yes. I just think that maybe if we were in good terms, he wouldn’t think of giving me flowers.. (he’s not that thoughtful, huh?!) And if he was the one who handed me the bouquet, we would be able to talk more, which is what we really need.

To cut the story short, before the day ended, we finally talked. This time, no more deadlines. Our conversation was full of emotions yet calm and open.. Changes – I’m looking forward to these because if I don’t see them, maybe it just proves that we’re just wasting our time. But still, I’m hoping we could fix things, like what he said. I also hope we could communicate more because I think that is where all our problems originated from. Finally, before his day ended, I greeted him a Happy Anniversary.. I undoubtedly love him.. SIGH!

Now, I treasure the flowers more! LoLz.. I think that’s pretty obvious.

I dunno how this post will feel like. Sorry.

I’ve got so many things to blog about, but presently, I’m too tired to write everything in detail..

I can’t say anything but sigh! Sigh and another one..

I hope tomorrow I could blog about these past three days that gave me reasons to smile. So many things that happened made me realize that life has a lot more to offer. However, at the end of the day, I still feel the emptiness and this unexplainable feeling that one aspect of my life is starting to fall apart.. or maybe, has already fallen apart..

Six months have already passed after I resigned from my first work as a QA Engineer in Line Seiki Phils., Inc. due to some family problems. If I were to compute, I was supposed to be in Australia by now, with my Visa 476 at my hand. But unfortunately, there are no updates yet about it. And honestly, I don’t want to go there anymore because I think I’m better with this freelance business I’m engaged in. I think before this venture would reach its downfall, I’d be able to save enough to start another business of mine (just like my mama and papa who are good at it). Well I just feel sad I would no longer pursue a career as a Materials Engineer. Well anyway, it’s not too saddening because a huge fraction of our batch didn’t or maybe haven’t pursued a career yet in the solid MatE Industry.

I started writing for my brother on the first week of April this year, started writing a few for myself in May and went all the way solo last September. Overall, I’m doing great financially because I was able to make a down payment for a piece of land here in Tarlac and also buy a laptop of my own. Also, I was able to help mama with our utility bills and even contribute for other expenses.

Last month, I thought I’m starting to have my dreams coming true: an “almost” stable life (I’ll just keep what I mean to myself) and a simple, quiet life with my loved ones. Well I know I can’t have everything. It just makes me so sad that the most important things in my life are falling apart.

First, Papa is really giving us a hard time dealing with him. We really have so many problems with him. In fact, if only he would get out of his miserable life he made for himself, this family would have been perfect. Sometimes, I would even wish that Papa would realize all his faults and have the will to change his life. I also wish he would just say sorry and show us he wants our family back together and that he’s willing to change. But I know, no matter how much we try to help him, his life still depends on his hands. His attitude and everything that happened had a great impact on us. My cousins even left our house because of him. I feel like my sisters left me when they moved out. Since I’m here in Tarlac, I have no other friends but them.

Second, as I have mentioned my concern with friends, I have not much time to meet my old buddies and I think majority of them are not here in Tarlac. If they were just here, I would at least have someone to talk to when I get burned-out here at home. I know I still have Mama who’s here everyday. However, I can’t tell her everything especially our (Eze and I) problems with our relationship. It really makes me sad no one’s hugging me when I cry. Sigh!

Third, I dunno what’s happening with me and Eze. Maybe it’s because of the distance, or because of our differences, standards and disappointments. What’s happening to us right now is really a tough test for us to surpass. I dunno what’s gonna happen next. So much have been said and done and I’m not sure if there were any realizations happening. I have a lot of faults, but I’m not the only one who’s to blame. I never wanted to be disrespectful. I just want to open my eyes and say what I think is right and do something about it. But I guess, everything is not in place as planned. I’m afraid everything is being used against me.

Whenever I have this feeling I have right now, (sorry got no right term for it ’cause it’s really a crazy feeling) I just want to disappear as if I never existed. I always wanted to fix things instantly, but I know I can’t change things overnight. I want people to understand, but I guess it’s really hard to do that. I want to explain my side, but I guess they can’t grasp my point and just see the negative part of it.

I thought everything will be going well since September, but I see it’s too early to make a conclusion. I know life is hard to understand and there is just one bitter fact about life that is very much understandable:

In life, you win some AND you lose some.

I just wish those whom I treasure so much are not the ones I’m gonna lose. Ever since I was a kid, I already know the importance of the people and things around me. And I always try my best to keep them, to do my part not to lose them. But what can I do if they are the ones who are making two steps away from me whenever I make a step closer?

I’m not asking God to give me everything. I just wish He’d give me those that I value so much, or maybe just a little bit of the most important ones.

I can’t sleep. So many things bugging my mind. I actually am not feeling so well. My heart is pounding hard and my mind is occupied by so many things.

I know that this is because of something that was not settled before this day ended. Too bad for me because I had to deal this by myself. Well I know, it’s just me who can handle my problems. But what can I do? I’m not that strong like what others think.

In fact, I am a coward who always try to make people believe that I can handle anything. A good adviser who says the right things at the right time. But the truth is, this kiddo doesn’t know how to advice herself. Ironic right?

Yeah, that’s life. Full of irony and struggles. I don’t want to get tired of it, but sometimes I’m left hanging by myself. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.. I wanna sleep already because even though I’m awake, I cannot work. Grrrrrr.. I’m just wasting my time staring at my laptop..

Someone out there, hug me please.. I’m tired of hugging people but never get sincerely hugged back.

Note: This is my blog so bear with the drama.