Six months have already passed after I resigned from my first work as a QA Engineer in Line Seiki Phils., Inc. due to some family problems. If I were to compute, I was supposed to be in Australia by now, with my Visa 476 at my hand. But unfortunately, there are no updates yet about it. And honestly, I don’t want to go there anymore because I think I’m better with this freelance business I’m engaged in. I think before this venture would reach its downfall, I’d be able to save enough to start another business of mine (just like my mama and papa who are good at it). Well I just feel sad I would no longer pursue a career as a Materials Engineer. Well anyway, it’s not too saddening because a huge fraction of our batch didn’t or maybe haven’t pursued a career yet in the solid MatE Industry.

I started writing for my brother on the first week of April this year, started writing a few for myself in May and went all the way solo last September. Overall, I’m doing great financially because I was able to make a down payment for a piece of land here in Tarlac and also buy a laptop of my own. Also, I was able to help mama with our utility bills and even contribute for other expenses.

Last month, I thought I’m starting to have my dreams coming true: an “almost” stable life (I’ll just keep what I mean to myself) and a simple, quiet life with my loved ones. Well I know I can’t have everything. It just makes me so sad that the most important things in my life are falling apart.

First, Papa is really giving us a hard time dealing with him. We really have so many problems with him. In fact, if only he would get out of his miserable life he made for himself, this family would have been perfect. Sometimes, I would even wish that Papa would realize all his faults and have the will to change his life. I also wish he would just say sorry and show us he wants our family back together and that he’s willing to change. But I know, no matter how much we try to help him, his life still depends on his hands. His attitude and everything that happened had a great impact on us. My cousins even left our house because of him. I feel like my sisters left me when they moved out. Since I’m here in Tarlac, I have no other friends but them.

Second, as I have mentioned my concern with friends, I have not much time to meet my old buddies and I think majority of them are not here in Tarlac. If they were just here, I would at least have someone to talk to when I get burned-out here at home. I know I still have Mama who’s here everyday. However, I can’t tell her everything especially our (Eze and I) problems with our relationship. It really makes me sad no one’s hugging me when I cry. Sigh!

Third, I dunno what’s happening with me and Eze. Maybe it’s because of the distance, or because of our differences, standards and disappointments. What’s happening to us right now is really a tough test for us to surpass. I dunno what’s gonna happen next. So much have been said and done and I’m not sure if there were any realizations happening. I have a lot of faults, but I’m not the only one who’s to blame. I never wanted to be disrespectful. I just want to open my eyes and say what I think is right and do something about it. But I guess, everything is not in place as planned. I’m afraid everything is being used against me.

Whenever I have this feeling I have right now, (sorry got no right term for it ’cause it’s really a crazy feeling) I just want to disappear as if I never existed. I always wanted to fix things instantly, but I know I can’t change things overnight. I want people to understand, but I guess it’s really hard to do that. I want to explain my side, but I guess they can’t grasp my point and just see the negative part of it.

I thought everything will be going well since September, but I see it’s too early to make a conclusion. I know life is hard to understand and there is just one bitter fact about life that is very much understandable:

In life, you win some AND you lose some.

I just wish those whom I treasure so much are not the ones I’m gonna lose. Ever since I was a kid, I already know the importance of the people and things around me. And I always try my best to keep them, to do my part not to lose them. But what can I do if they are the ones who are making two steps away from me whenever I make a step closer?

I’m not asking God to give me everything. I just wish He’d give me those that I value so much, or maybe just a little bit of the most important ones.

I went to church with mama at 7 am and for the fourth straight week, the priest talked about the church’s objection on the Reproductive Health Bill.

People are sexual creatures – that’s a fact and the population will continue to grow if we don’t control: control sex or control population growth.

Control sex:
People do not have discipline and the will to control – this is what the church sees and what they think should be addressed. I don’t know how to react on this but the church has a point. The church believes that there are morally accepted ways to address population problem and this is what they want people to understand. Well what the church wants is to make people behave in God’s will and this bill is just another reason to sin (= SEX?)

The church also wants the government to prioritize medicines connected to general health. We may not know when kids would catch a fever or flu and health centers do not even have Paracetamol to give the people. Accidents can happen anytime but how many barangays are ready for disasters? And the budget, how many millions of pesos will be allotted for reproductive health and how much is for the medicine for the poor?

Control population growth:
The government’s side is to control overpopulation in the country by allowing those people who cannot afford to buy contraceptives to have and use them and apply family planning. Since families who are below the poverty line are the ones who have more family members, this bill will help them avoid having more children thus reduce poverty.

Both sides have their points but maybe it’s not balanced. I want to question why there is no budget allotted for the poor who needs free medication and too much for contraceptives. Then I don’t want to be a hippocrate and say let’s just control that urge and settle for abstinence because I’m not in that situation yet and I will never know until I have my own family. But if there’s no other way to do this, are we just gonna watch the population grow exponentially?

I remember El Filibusterismo – the concept implied by the bapor ng tabo in the first chapter of the novel (Sa Ibabaw ng Kubyerta). The ship symbolizes the country and what makes it move symbolizes the government and the church. During the Spanish era, the government is just a front deciding body because the church actually dictates what the government should do for the country.

The dipper-shaped ship has two mechanisms of movement. The motor of the ship is supposed to be the one to dictate how the ship will cruise. However, the shape of the ship does not allow it to sail fast and properly. It is round at the bottom, thus it can move with no specific direction. So the sagwans dictate where the ship will go. The motor is useless because there is the sagwan that does all the work and takes the ship where the sagwans take it.

The motor of the ship is the government – just a front, useless without the sagwan which is the church – the sector that dictates what is acceptable and not.

The opinion of the church is really important to us Filipinos. I think this is similar to what’s happening now. Decisions are still made with the influence of the church. After so many years, what we have back then is the same scenario we have now..

Well I can’t see anything wrong with the church influencing people’s morality. I just wish there would be balance and if the bill gets approved, I wish it could really address the population problem in the country.